Dec. 9th, 2004
Since the last time I updated here, a lot of things happened... So many things that I don't remember half of them. But they're improving, slowly. I went to see a doctor because I wasn't eating and now I'm way better, I'm still taking meds but I'm better, most from the inside, because that was the most important. Although sometimes I feel it coming again, I do everything not to fall in.
I think that until the summer vacation, I'll have moved from here, still staying in Paris, but in a bigger appartment. I wish we went away from France, but I can dream on. I know that I will go away soon, as soon as I graduate that horrible high school.
Talking about it, I'm so sick of it! My best friend said me "when you're here, you crack down after a month". I didn't really believe her, but actually she wasn't totally right because I cracked down after a week. 7 days. Only seven little days! If I just knew what was waiting for me, I wouldn't have choosed to go there. It's just like a cage with lions, all ready to jump on you and kill you. I feel like it, for the teachers point. The most horrible one is my english one. She hates me and I can say that I feel the same for her. She made me go to tears one day, not so long ago. I'm quite ashamed when I think about it because I think I wasn't strong enough and I should have told her everything I had in the mind. I told her part of it, but not all. But it didn't make her stop, not at all, I just feel like it gave her power, to put me down even more. But I don't care about her any longer, I just do my work, she doesn't help me with my english and I'm not going to say that she makes me improve either. I'll never be grateful for anything to her. And this is the first teacher I won't be. I had a lot of real jerks, perverts and i forget some, but I get only good memories about them and I remember things that they gave me. When I think about her, nothing comes to my mind but pain, anger. When she looks at me with her little viscious eyes and her small smile, that means everything. I beg God not to become like her when I get older!
I need to see the Polar Express, just to see Steven! I'm sure I'm going there alone in the end, my friend can't anytime when it's in English... Going to the cinema alone sucks, but for steven I'll do anything...
Oct. 18th, 2004
MY MOM IS A FUCKIN HYPOCRITE!!!!!! I can't believe she did what she just did!!! I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her! I hate when people manage things behind my back and that's exactly what she did! She called my best friend's mom and began asking questions like "Do you know things about Laetitia, she seems all sad and tired recently!" And then she told her everything! That I weight 45kg that I don't eat and things like that because my friends told her all of this! I was so mad when I heard what happened, because she manages everything so I can't know about it! She called when I was at school and when she was at work! So right after I called her and asked "Who were you talking to 10 minutes ago? I couldn't join you"
"Umm yeah it was a client..." (WHAT A LIER)
"why do you want to know that?"
"Oh for nothing, ok bye"
"You should eat more"
"Why do you say that?"
"Oh uhh because I saw you tired lately"
"There is no link with that"
"but you have to eat anyway"
"yeah yeah bye"
I hate her now she called 3 times after: what are you doing? you know you should buy one of those scales!
I'm about to crack seriously, I really didn't know she could do this to me, I had confidence in her and all that she finds is to lie and to do things behind my back!
NOTE: Don't have confidence in nobody even not your parents...
Sep. 29th, 2004
Ok, It's a catastrophy! I didn't post for months! But I decided to add some icons, it's a good thing... Right now I am sick like never, having, head and stomach aches, fever, sore throat and so on... So I didn't go to school today, and having to show this stupid paper to on of the directors of my schools isn't something I'm really pressed to do... but well I'll have to. This woman is unrespectful with everybody, even the teachers! I haaaate her! On the list of people I hate the most here we come:
That woman (mrs Belnat)
My maths teacher
my biology teacher
my french teacher
and girls in my class
They don't have a bas position but they're really going on my nerves, they're the kind of girls who think they're better than everyone, and criticize everything and everybody. I saw it on the first day, and I never talk to them when it's not really really necessary. Now about the work I have to do, I'm depressing, they told that when you get into high school you lose about 3 points of your general mark, but now I'm not going to lose 3 I'm going to lose 7, if not more! I work like a crazy to get what? A 1/10 and a 4/20! I don't know what to do, the first part of the year is nearly ending and I'm realising I'm not going to pass it well... I just hope so much they won't make me do this year again, because having to stay 4 years in that high school, I'm not sure that I could face it...
Aug. 18th, 2004
I think I can dream on, but I definately won't post daily! Argh I'm lazy... Anyway it was impossible for the past three days because I wasn't home. I was to one of those mountains with my parents and sister. Going there was a real hell, because my sister helped my father for the way he had to go on, and my mother kept saying she was wrong and stuff. My sister couldn't support it in the end and when we arrived, an amazing fight began... I tried not listening to the things they were saying, but it was quite tough. I was about to cry when they were in a part where my mother said "I hope your kid will be as bugging as you are then you'll see how it is!" then my sister said "I hope for first that I get to live until my 30th birthday and have him, and see him growing up to his 10 years old!"
I got then that my sister's problem wasn't over. They all told me she was safe and out of danger, I thought it was definitive! It hurts so much to understand this at once... The results of the tests say that I don't have it, but I'd prefer having it and suffer instead of her...
Well the day after, my sister wanted to come back home. Knowing that our little week end was like ruined, I decided coming back with her, but then no bus! Argh so we did some things, and naturally it went better. Like horseriding. I remembered about my allergies when I was on it for 5 minuts! It was a bit too late then. I got some spots out, I hope I won't get too much.
During the lunch, I saw the most cute guy that could ever exist! He was just so perfect, so... OMG!!! He looked at me, and I looked at him, and this during a time. I couldn't go to him because he was with his parents and me with mine... grr so awful! I think I fell in love for him so fast... Because I was looking for him all the next days, but nothing. I guess I'll have to forget him now... But I think about him all the time!!! AAAAAAAH!
We did some karting too, I love it! I finished first hehe!
When I came back home, I went to a guy who's supposed to be my friend, but he said he was watching a film and he'll come to me in 30 min. And this #%^**#%$#%^ didn't come! He can dream on now if he wants me to call him! Grr I miss my best friends so hard...
Aug. 11th, 2004
My friends here are just two guys. I've known them since I was a baby. We form like a little group and it's fun. Just when they go on my nerves, that's another story... I can be very nasty when somebody bugs me! But well we're still friends after all the argues we had. Yesterday, we went to a Luna park (It's there only for some days) and rode a lot of horrible things! After I was really bad for hours... Today they wanted to go back there, but my parents didn't want to drive us again. So we decided we would go by ourself. We missed the bus, so we walked to there... If my parents get to know this, I'm definately dead! Because we had to pass by a bad part of the city.. Oh well I just hope they won't. We staid there and me and Stefan wanted to come back but George, the other wanted to stay a little bit more. So we could't come back without him and staid with him. I had money left to pay a taxi and we got back home. In the way, I saw my sister in her car and she showed me I was dead. What a feeling when you come back home knowing someone is gonna yell at you! She followed our car to the end. I went out and she was like: WHERE WERE YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU SHOULD BE BACK ONE HOUR BEFORE! GO HOME NOW!
Yeah... yeah... and that was only her, I had to see my paranoiac mother's reaction... So we had the long road to walk with my friends to get to our houses. I saw my mom from meters with her hands on her stomach, looking furious. Well it all ended by the thing that I can't go out any more... I love my vacation! And my best friend coming tomorrow, I planned going there again with him tomorrow... *sighs*
Aug. 8th, 2004
People are bugging me! They are going on my nerves!!! ARGHH I'm going to hit one of them one day!!!! Mostly my friend (who was my boyfriend one day. He can't stop saying stupid things and laugh at me! It doesn't really hurt me any more, any way I need more to be hurted... Not by these stupid things... Before I just went to my house and stoped talking to him for days... Now I just make him realise that he's not funny but more riddiculous... When he finally finished, we went to a bench with him and another guy (my sister says he fell in love with me, but nothing prooves it...) and began talking. Then a 40 years old neighboor came and began saying "Why don't you hang out in the town?" "We can't Laetitia can't take the bus!" I said that I could, the problem wasn't there. "Anyway we don't have money enough for now!" and this stupid oldie said "Laetitia can pay for you, SHE's got money!" That hurted me... I went to my house and beat my pillow instead of her... I took five chewing gums inside my mouth... It calms a lot! When I came back she wasn't there any more, and it was better for her, I was ready to tell her everything I had on my mind... I can't stand to be seen as the little rich girl! Because that's not me, I don't care about it! They give me a name without even know me! I'm not pretentious, so why do they do this?
Aug. 7th, 2004
Tuesday has just been the best day that I had since I've been here! I feel so good after seeing him!!! I missed him so much! He couldn't finally come here after because his mother's birthday was the day right after. It's ok, he'll come later. He showed me his entire city in some days! I was dead tired but most happy than anything! I didn't know that it was so beautiful! They all show me a part of this country not the pthers, that's why I have a bad view of it. Now it all changes, I just love that city! unfortunately it's about 250 km away from where I live! I could even live there for some years without a problem I guess, but I prefer France anyway... I hate France, I think I said this about a million times in my life, but I way prefer it to here.
I felt a bit weird seeing his new home. Thinking that I will never see the past one again, and that this is really the place he's living at. Before I just didn't want to believe it was true and forced myself to think it's only a dream, but no, let's come back to the reality...
When I woke up the next morning, I felt so empty... To be there alone again made me feel so bad. I didn't go out all day long until a friend came here. We talked a bit and then went to a neighboor to watch a film. It was nice, but not as nice as it was with andrea...
Today I spent my time in the city, supporting my sister's bad mood for hours... I was about to hit her but I calmed down. When we got back, I went to a friend and we watched a basketball game.
USA vs Serbia!
I was for USA, and of course they won!!! 76 - 60!!!!! I was so happy!!!
Andrea told me to call him and I forgot, I really have to call him later... Yeah it's already 2:34a.m.!
I'm a big insomniac...
Aug. 3rd, 2004
11:21 pm - 2nd post
I knew I wouldn't post every day! In fact I wanted to, but I had computer problems... This stupid lap top sometimes blocks at once and nothing responds! I don't have any other choice than turning it off and then it doesn't want to turn on! I tried over and over and over again but nothing... Only 24 hours after, I made it and I can get on. I was going crazy, I spent the entire day doing nothing, waiting for my dad's car to be repaired and come back home to finally be left alone without anything to do! what a life!
My sister has a baloon with helium inside! In fact she had! We inhaled everything which was inside! I haven't laughed like this for long! Our voices were totally messed up and funny! I'll have to buy another and do it again!
I'm going to my best friend tomorrow!!!!! I'm so happy!!!! I haven't seen him for now one month! One month is ok, now he'll stay to live here and won't come back to France for long! This is gonna be hard, I feel it... He lived right next to me and we spent a lot of time together! I have to say that sometimes, it happened that we didn't talk to eachother, but one day I call him and everything is better like nothing happened!
I've known him now for 9 years. He is only 5 days older than me! When I was around 7, I didn't make the difference between love and friendship, when it was with a boy, and Ithink he didn't either. We were boyfriend and girlfriend form some months, it was more than cute! during classes he whispered to me "I love you!" and me "I love you too!" I have always a smile on the face when I think about these moments... Life was so easy... When you are a child, you are protected from everything and the world around seems so beautiful. I was a very nice period, and I wish I came back there... I think that's maybe why I want to work with children, for first because I love them more than everything, they are all so cute and nice in their ways. When reality comes to your mind, people change and sometimes have an awful way of thinking. Children don't.
Like if two persons had an argue, they would be horrible to one another. Children would just see that it's stupid to argue and beeing friends is better, and they won't mind and go on. I learnt that during my internship. I thought it would be hard when a kid went to me saying
"Teacher,(God I love that word!) He is annoying me!" And they quarrelled right in front of me! But then I just said some words and they began playing again like the best friends in the world!
My best friend, (his name is Andrea) is maybe going to come to my house for some days! These are gonna be the best days of these two stupid months.
My parents promessed me we would go to Greece, but like everytime, they change their mind. After they said we would go to the beach but somewhere else, it wasn.t the same, but it was better than nothing. But my sister can't stay to much under the sun, because of the chemotherapys she took. I didn't say abything this time, and I even suggested it would be better that we don't go anywhere. I think about her first, I couldn't have fun if I knew it wasn't good for her. We will go to a mountain instead. She'll be with friend and me alone, like always...
Aug. 1st, 2004
11:44 pm - 1st post
I won't talk about the past month, because I already wrote all the things I thought about it in another diary, a handwritten one. It's great to have one on the computer. At least nobody of my family will be able to read it! I'm most speaking about my sister who is curious as hell! She tried again to read mine yesterday! Grr sometimes she acts just like she is 7 years old, and I don't understand why... Well I think I can write everything which is on my mind without really care, and that's good. Since a time, I didn't have friends or a real confident to tell all things to. I never had a diary, but I really needed to have one and I didn't leave it, like I thought I would surely do. I'm not sure of posting here every day, but at least I'll try.